Wow. My name is Fanie, and I have wonderful people in my life. I always have. For as long as I can remember, I've been surrounded by them.
But sometimes I forget. I forget how much I love the people I love. I forget how remarkable my people are, and how much they mean to me.
Sometimes I forget so completely that I go into hiding — I fall off the radar, I try very hard to make myself disappear from everyone's memory.
Sometimes I forget so thoroughly that I come across as selfish and ungrateful. Heartless. And I hurt the people who matter most to me without even realizing I'm doing it.
And I've been told. I have been told that I can be hurtful. Even outright cruel. I've tried to understand it, I swear I have.
I've been told I'm guarded and ambivalent. I really have tried to understand that.
The reason was named for me early on, when I was just starting out as a professional depressive — I didn't want to hear a word of it.
And yet I wanted to become a psychologist. Go figure.
I'm a strange creature, full of quirks that probably look like contradictions to everyone else but feel perfectly consistent to me.
I'm not ungrateful. I'm not heartless either. Even when I don't call, don't check in, don't reach out.
I'm simply beginning to understand that I may have a certain difference — something I may need to start addressing.
I have wonderful people in my life who accept me as I am, who hold up a mirror when I need one, who keep me on the right path. Thank you.
I have wonderful people in my life who stepped up every single time I made a strategic retreat. Thank you.
I have wonderful people in my life who deserve an apology, because my behaviour is sometimes completely beyond them.
I'm not going to apologize. I'm going to do better. I'm going to work on this difference of mine — so that I never forget again.