Chapter 31: The Ash Solstice: Book 1 - The Sun Curdled

Part 4:The infirmary has become its own little world beneath the Cathedral. I am lost in that thought for a moment before someone cries out as a strip of frozen cloth is peeled from blackened skin. Then, across the room, a child laughs. I look over and am shocked that, like everyone else—even the woman I am helping—I manage a smile. The child has bent his finger back to normal by himself...“There,” I say softly, tying the last knot in the bandage around Leslie’s forearm. “That should hold.”Leslie squeezes my hand in thanks before another volunteer steps in with a steaming cup.I look down at my arms and hands. I have rolled up my sleeves, exposing the dark bruises left by pulling the grate open with Vespar. I can barely recognize these hands—the same ones that kneaded bread yesterday.Now strangers are trusting me and these hands with their broken bones.More linens, that is what I... Vespar is here.Wait.He has his pack over his shoulder, Gloom-Oak beneath his bow... He is coming to say goodbye. He still seems so confident. He has never looked like someone who belonged behind walls.His hand settles lightly against my arm. “Kendra... I am leaving.” I stop. Freeze. I am outside again, in the ash, my dad... I want to say NO! But the words won’t come. I listen, somehow still hearing him over the screaming in my head. YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH! Stay...“I heard what you said...” Did I speak out loud again?His voice remains quiet.“...and I meant what I did.” Oh...“...maybe the future doesn’t have to be as it was.”I finally manage to look up at him. Did he always look so determined?He wasn’t trying to defend the nobles.He wasn’t asking forgiveness.He was simply telling me what he believed.“I don’t know why...”“...but I have to go.”“I have to see it for myself.”Just open my mouth, let something come out!He nods. STOP!Steps away. PLEASE!Another. NO!The crowd starts to swallow him. WAIT!He stops. Did I say that out loud? I grab his sleeve in case I hadn’t. Just enough to let him know I’m here, so the moment doesn’t pass.I start to speak without even knowing what I am about to say. “We locked them out.” It comes out like a whisper. “I can’t stop thinking about who is still out there...” I need to breathe. I feel my throat closing. “I keep telling myself there wasn’t another choice.”I even gave up making choices and left them all to you. “I know everyone believes the same thing. There hasn’t been any choice for anyone.”“So...”I feel my eyes getting wet. “...why doesn’t it feel like it?” His eyes really do look so confident. So patient. Somehow, even his face is calming. Have either of us even breathed? How long have we been standing here? He needs to hear the rest...“I’ve been helping down here.” I find my gaze drifting across the crowded infirmary. “It feels...” What am I thinking? “...different.”I look across the crowded lower area of the Cathedral again and see children sleeping only a few feet from strangers. People share blankets without asking names. No one cares whose family crest once hung over whose door. No one asks who was noble. Only who still needs help. I sigh. I may as well tell him the rest. “Some of them are talking about going back out. Looking for people.” I feel my chest tighten. “Finding children.” I stutter for a second. “They asked if I knew how to bandage wounds.”“You saved me from the outside...” Why did I just giggle?Breathe.“So...”I feel my fingers loosen on his sleeve.“I haven’t answered.”